Johnny’s List of Quirky Boston Events: 12/16/07 Extra

Next time someone whines about the weather, read this New England Manifesto and be proud!!


Size. Boston is not tiny. We are actually the 5th largest metro region in the US. Silicon Valley? Only #6. New England by population is about 5% of the US and we have more than 10% of the states! What other city in the US is the “Boss” town? Boston! It’s right there in the name, people! You can’t argue with that. See

Sports. Professional sports teams draw players from all over the US, sometimes the world. Who plays “for Boston” no longer has anything to do with the quality of people who live near Boston. Different teams, as in baseball, are basically business franchises and the ones who earn more, pay more and win more. I think we need to stop this Yankees Suck nonsense, it makes us look delusional, crass, and homophobic. Let’s just agree that sports teams no longer say much if anything about region vs. region.

Transit. Who lives in California? Tons of soft, soft people. Here in New England with our bitter winters we are tough! Tough like Vikings! Californians tend to brag a lot, and whine a lot too. We Yankees are stoics. We’re better, we just don’t squawk about it like spoiled Garden of Eden children. I can’t believe how people complain about driving conditions. Have you ever heard of suburban sprawl? We don’t have nearly as much as our Western comrades, and our public transport kicks ass. We have one of the few underground subways in the US.

History. We have tons of history here. Have you ever heard of the San Francisco Tea Party? I don’t think so. George Washington never slept in LA. We own Thanksgiving (Plymouth), and Halloween (Salem), and since Massachusetts is the most Irish state, we own St. Patricks Day. Also our friends in New York City own New Years Eve. You know what people in LA do for New Year’s? They watch the ball drop in Times Square on TV. Holidays owned by California? None. We also own April Fools Day. Just kidding. 🙂

Weather. We don’t have earthquakes, hurricanes, floods, wildfires, or tornados. Our “extreme weather” is getting a little snow. Global warming may even work in our favor. Stop whining, people! We don’t have snakes or dangerous pests, smog, or droughts. There’s never a problem with not having water. Boston rainfall: 41.5 inches. San Francisco? 19. LA? Just 12.

War. If Russia, North Korea, or China starts flinging missiles, who’s closer, California or Massachusetts? Do you really think with New York sitting next door they’re going to bomb Boston? It’s like New York is this big bulls eye drawing all the attention away from us. Thanks, Big Brother!

Arts. Speaking of New York, I’m tired of people worrying that we don’t have as much arts and culture. You know who has better arts than New York in the world? Nobody. So get over it, people. Being next to big brother is closing our eyes to the fact that Boston has way more museums, theatre, and festivals than Washington DC, Houston, Silicon Valley, or basically anywhere else that’s not an empty tourist mecca like Orlando or Las Vegas. Oh, and good luck visiting a forest from downtown Manhattan, unless you want to spend all weekend driving.

Media. Fine, California owns movies. Hollywood is #1. Again this blinds us to the fact that Massachusetts is not exactly #50. Under a new program, Massachusetts now offers the 2nd biggest filmmaker tax break in the country, and 6 blockbusters are now being made here. Beyond movies, what about TV, books, magazines, and newspapers? It’s all about New York City. East Coast, baby!!

Technology. We have a lot more high-tech than New York. In fact we’re #2 after California, IN THE WORLD, and I’m pretty sure they rigged that by having more than 5 times our population. Yep, if you want to start a high-tech company, doing it here makes a whole lot of sense. Heck, Silicon Valley led the dot com bubble and burst, how proud of that can they be?

Liberals. California’s bigger. Like that’s an asset? It just means all the liberals are shoved in with the conservative death penalty people who elected Arnold Schwartzenegger. If you want to bury your head in the sand and pretend the rest of the world agrees with your kooky liberal views, Boston’s a great place to settle down. Austin, Texas? I don’t think so, Bible Belt!

Education. The world’s capital for percent of population with advanced degrees? Cambridge. And acccording to US News and World Report, out of the top 7 universities and top 8 colleges, New England owns over half. After the Library of Congress, the three biggest libraries in the US? All in New England.

Because They Say So. The Economist, May 5 2007, produced their “Global Livability Rankings” for all world cities, incorporating weather, crime, housing, transporation, access to healthcare and jobs, and so forth. Top US cities? Cleveland, Pittsburgh, and Boston. Los Angeles is way down the list and gee I don’t see New York or San Francisco anywhere! Too bad, suckers! Obviously no one in their right mind would live in Cleveland or Pittsburgh, so that means we win!

Because We Say So. Don’t take crap from anyone about New England! We rule.

Feel free to pass this along. See my blog on quirky events in New England at